My heart can’t take it anymore.
I've been really confused out of late.
About my life right now and the life to come.
I know they say life is unpredictable but sometimes future expectations can play a pivotal role in your today.
I've been childish recently too.
Not childish in the suck on lollipops and wear pigtails kind of way but in an emotional sense.
Unsurprising because Joshua is well, made up of pure emotion anyhow.
I'm a walking emotional basketcase right now really and I think a lot of it is self-inflicted.
I must be some sort of emotional sadist 
But yes, childish.
I feel like I've been acting out a lot and trying desperately to run away from my reality by doing things I know I shouldn't do because it will only hurt me in the end.
I keep telling myself things will get better and its only 'for now' but I honestly, truly don't know if I'm just lying to myself.
I think I sort of know the truth but I refuse to face up to it.
It just kills me to think and worse yet, to accept that maybe I got it really wrong again.
I'm 22. You'd think I'd be less gullible by now.
And yet, I feel as stupid and naive as the 14 year old student who hadn't yet seen anything of the world.
Actually... STUPIDER.
Because I should know better by now.
I am battle-weary and sick of accumulating scars.
Sick of worrying, of wondering, and of waiting.
Waiting for all the smoke and mirrors to come crashing at my feet and to feel the familiar hurt come slicing into my heart yet again.
Waiting to see the truth and nothing but the awful truth.
Waiting to have it sealed in cement that it was just a game which didn't mean anything.
Maybe you were right.
Maybe I'm just a great big stupid boy who walks into glass doors.
And maybe this time, I'll lose too much blood to survive.