I also find that things always change after the ‘honeymoon’ period is over and you really get to know who you’ve fallen in love with. Sure, sometimes it’s good change. You realize you love the true person they are, and maybe you think how they organize their underwear by color, year, and make is really awesome ( Hey whatever rocks your socks! I won’t judge!). Other times you realize their personality and little quirks, like being berated for not decompressing all the air out of the bag of a loaf of bread, will drive you up a wall.

Love will change you.
Emotional connections with people affect who we are and how we act. It can make us a better person, and it can drag us down into a hole; thus turn us into something we want or don’t want to become. This can be both a conscious thing and sub conscious. That is the nature of the beast.

Remember what I said above about the bread? Yeah, it’s one that happened with an ex. I realized after a while I started to squeeze the air out of the bread bag to appease my partner. Sure this was a good habit, it really does help keep the bread fresh longer, but this carried over to other things too. I realized I was changing myself, and I eventually became someone I hated. It’s like that LCD sound system song, ‘I Can Change’. The guy basically falls in love with a person because of who they were, then realizes their partnership is dissolving, so he changes himself to make them fall in love, or stay in love with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gathered great hobbies, habits, lessons and insight into myself from love. Just make sure you define how love changes you.

Love brings both happiness and pain.
While love can be expressed through physical acts, Love is not physical, it’s emotional.

One night I got together with a girl just started dating. Oddly enough she wanted to exchange stories about scars. She pointed to one on her knee, and told me how her brother threw an authentic aboriginal boomerang at her. When it was my turn I pointed to a place on my arm.

She cried, “There isn’t a scar there!” I told her,” yes there is … but it’s not one you can see. “

I told her a memory from a past relationship that caused me pain and afterwards I explained to her that ,“ the most painful scars aren’t the ones you can’t see, they’re the emotional ones.”

Then she pointed to another spot without a scar and asked about that one. I told her the story of the first night she asked me on a date and how happy it made me feel to be wanted by this beautiful woman. So I said that, “ the same goes for happiness, we can see it physically expressed through actions but we can’t see the emotion. We can only walk around with these great memories and share them with others.”

Just remember, the memories we remember best are the ones attached to great emotion. I think that’s why love affects us so profoundly. We are human; we experience joy, laughter, sadness and hurt … but we heal, we move forward and we still love regardless. That is a wonderful thing.

Sometimes love is not enough.
Ever get to point in a relationship where you go, “ I love you but if I have to be around you one more second I’m going to do you bodily harm?” I’ve had a few of those … everyone has had those moments.

Love isn’t perfect, we will all have our bad days, drive each other crazy, and have disagreements. But when a relationship between two people goes bad, then sometimes love really isn’t enough.

Sometimes it hits you that the person you love may not feel the same for you, makes you unhappy, might cheat on you, prevent you from being you, hurts you in anyway continuously; despite how much you love them, you need to realize you might have to walk away. If the person you are with isn’t happy, or you are hurting them more by being with them, then sometimes you need to let them go as well.

Walking away from someone you love hurts. Sometimes letting go of someone one who loves you hurts too. You’ve got to do what’s best for you, and sometimes them. Love can be as easy as holding a hand, and kissing someone goodnight. It also can be as hard as walking away knowing your heart only beats for them.

Love is more than just a romantic relationship. 
I bet you there is something out there you love that’s not just a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. It can be the job you do, a hobby, a friend, a pet, a child, maybe you love collecting stuffed llamas ( who am I to say what you do or don’t love). The Greeks had names for the different types of love, because love isn’t confined to just one definition or situation.

I love art, I love socializing with others, I love traveling, I love Ben and Jerry’s (ok maybe not love it but like it a lot!). I say love because these are things so deeply embedded in me … I just don’t like them, I really do love them with about as much and most times more than a partner. This is the type of love that is life devotion, and makes you who you are.

At the end of the day, we may lose a romantic partner or we may find one, but remember there are other things and people you love. The most important love of your life you’ll ever have is love for yourself. Love you.

And accept that love is.

-Lelove

It’s not that I’m not over you. I’ve moved on. We both have. It’s just that a small part of me still misses you. Sometimes I find myself wishing that you would call and ask to see me. Nothing dramatic or elaborate – just us meeting up. Just the sound of your voice saying “I’m sorry, I miss you.”

Happy almost 1st year.

Love always,
J

I’ve been childish recently too.
Not childish in the suck on lollipops  kind of way but in an emotional sense.
Unsurprising because Joshua is well, made up of pure emotion anyhow.
I’m a walking emotional basketcase right now really and I think a lot of it is self-inflicted.
I must be some sort of emotional sadist

But yes, childish.
I feel like I’ve been acting out a lot and trying desperately to run away from my reality by doing things I know I shouldn’t do because it will only hurt me in the end.
I keep telling myself things will get better and its only ‘for now’ but I honestly, truly don’t know if I’m just lying to myself.
I think I sort of know the truth but I refuse to face up to it.

It just kills me to think and worse yet, to accept that maybe I got it really wrong again.
I’m 22. You’d think I’d be less gullible by now.
And yet, I feel as stupid and naive as the 14 year old student who hadn’t yet seen anything of the world.
Actually… STUPIDER.
Because I should know better by now.

I am battle-weary and sick of accumulating scars.
Sick of worrying, of wondering, and of waiting.
Waiting for all the smoke and mirrors to come crashing at my feet and to feel the familiar hurt come slicing into my heart yet again.
Waiting to see the truth and nothing but the awful truth.
Waiting to have it sealed in cement that it was just a game which didn’t mean anything.

Maybe you were right.
Maybe I’m just a great big stupid boy who walks into glass doors.
And maybe this time, I’ll lose too much blood to survive.

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

Things I’ve done this year (2009)

• Travel every month (domestic and international)
• Got my own house
• Bought over 20k of gadgets.
• Cancelled out two of my wishlist
• Attended sister’s wedding
• Almost die from speeding. Twice.
• Became CEO of my dad’s company
• Signed a USD70k business deal
• Attended MIGF
• Heartbreaks

Things to accomplish next year (2010)

• Buy my own car (Toyota Caldina)
• Sign a USD 150k deal
• Travel to at least 5 countries (China, Japan, HK, NZ, US and Ibiza)
• Attend Sensation Black/White or Qlimax in Europe
• Attend world cup in South Africa
• Get my second degree
• Get a new wishlist (Fuck the watch, all lies)
• Lose weight
• Quit smoking
• Tell her I love her everyday

So, what have you done in 2009 and wish to accomplish in 2010? 10 more days till christmas and I’ll be celebrating it  in Singapore.

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There’s a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you’re doing simple things around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile

You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Will you think of me,
in time?
It’s never my luck,
So nevermind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It’s never my luck,
So nevermind.

Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn’t my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
And that doesn’t happen to me
I’ve never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven.

Will you wait for me,
In time,
It’s never my luck,
So nevermind.
And yeah
i lost a lot of what i
don’t expect to ever return
I tend to push em ’till the pushing’s turned from
hurtin to burn,
I always take them to that place i thought they wanted
to go,
but end up dancing ’round
this clown commands,
applause at a show…

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn’t my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
a somersault.
And that doesn’t happen to me
I’ve never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven
her heaven,
heaven, heaven

And i could only dream of you and sleep,
but i won’t ever see sunlight again,
i can try to be with you , but somehow i’ll end up just losing a friend,
i can only reach for you
relate to you,
I’m losing my friend…
Where did she go?
where?

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn’t my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersalt.
that doesn’t happen to me
I’ve never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven
I wanna live inside your heaven